Fly-Ra, Secret Lover of Mongo and She-Devil of Sumatra

Well, kiddies, it has been a bit since I last wrote anything of any real import, but I thought it best to keep you abreast of my involvement in the latest mortal combat in my personal realm.

Insects indoors and I do not get along. Outside is fine – I can deal with OUTside. Somehow they are fascinating OUTSIDE. Once they enter the forbidden kingdom, however, they are sworn enemies of Marbahn the Semi-Great…

Days ago in a bedroom far, far, far, far, far the fuck away…

It was a dark and unstormy night… I was lying in my bed, minding my own business (which is what one does whilst in bed unless someone else happens to be there and then it is much, much more than their business you are minding…), reading my book, “142 Ways to Look Fabulous During an Apocalypse,” when I heard this… sound… It was a buzzing… Awful buzzing… I was not able to see it (being without my infra-red goggles and all), but I sure as hell could *hear* it. Not too close, but yet, not too far away, either. After a few minutes of this, I assumed (as most would) that it was nothing more than, perhaps, a neighbor kid getting electrocuted while climbing on the power lines and figured I’d just ignore it.

((“Danger Zone” from ‘Top Gun’ starts playing))

*Something* buzzes past me between my book and I at four-hundred *THOUSAND* miles an hour… Lithe and nimble thing that I am, I jump like Mikhail Baryshnikov (because in my perpetually delicate state, I find myself startled at the fly-by). I put the book down and try to visually track my assailant… It’s a FLY. Not just ANY fly, mind you, it is Fly-Ra, She-Devil of Sumatra! I am relatively certain she has been sent by Mongo to murder me in my sleep but her bloodlust has made her act prematurely…

The hateful bitch takes a moment out of her strafing mission to land on my lamp next to the bed. For reasons I cannot determine, I have a rat-tailed comb next to the bed on the night stand (which is a filing cabinet in stealth mode – black and all…). I grab the comb… She doesn’t flinch (I am getting eyed… I am sure of it…). I wield the comb like a fucking Samurai (I am hanging on to the bigger end – I try to do that with *anything* I am wielding, mind you…) and… SMACK!! I *ACTUALLY* managed to hit her! She flies off of the lamp, limping in flight… (trailing smoke I just know it!). I assume she is done for… My work here is done… I sit and marvel at my comb/sword wielding skills…

I get comfortable, snuggling back down into the pillows with my book… The world is at peace… or is seems to be… My blissful peace was soon to be shattered…

VRRRRRROOOOOOOOOM!! BUZZZZZ!!! Around inside the lamp shade and back out again… Over and over!!

GAAAAAHHH!! (This is me screaming – on the inside, of course…)

She flies by again! Apparently she has managed to repair her damage and get back into the air! She buzzes by again… I swipe at her with my pocketbook (assuming that, given my now being a Samurai sword *master*, I should be able to hit the bitch with a fucking piece of elbow Macaroni for that matter…)… I MISS!! I can’t believe I MISSED! It must be a fluke… She turns back around mid-air and comes back at me… I take another swipe… I miss again!

I am simultaneously saddened and enraged, so I launch out of bed and grab the deadliest weapon in the Bedroom Arsenal… The DREADED LAPTOP SLEEVE… Fly-Ra comes at me again, arcing around the lamp (presumably for additional speed and/or deadliness) and I SWING the sleeve and WHACK! I connect!! She goes reeling across the room (I am feeling rather empowered by my Babe-Ruth-esque batting abilities)… And she COMES BACK! SHE IS STILL FUCKING ALIVE!! GAAAAAAHHHH!!

Apparently, my weapons are of no use… I must resort to MAGIC now… *DARK* MAGIC!! MUUUAHAHAHAHAHAA!!

Just outside my room lurks… THE BATHROOM… I dart out of my room and slip (as stealthily as someone in my petite and delicate state CAN dart or slip, mind you) into the bathroom and engage the solar-flares (lights) as bait, of course…

I LUNGE (again with the delicate state thing) into my room, roll across the floor (not really, but it makes for good drama) and knock out (aka “turn off”) the lamp, throw myself onto the bed as not to be seen and lie in wait for what is to come…

My predictions are correct…

The spell has worked…

Fly-Ra ZOOOOOMS out of my room and into the bathroom (assuming that she has me trapped there and can go in for the kill!)… I JUMP! I SLAM my bedroom door closed to ensure my personal safety (leaving the solar flares engaged to ensure the decoy). I can hear her banging against the door… I can smell her rage… Finally… (sigh)… The incessant buzzing goes away and I know that she is gone… The assassination attempt FAILED…

I know that she will come for me again… But this time… I shall be ready! Mark my words… MARK MY WORDS…

~ by mowvoon on October 9, 2008.