Leaves a Pleasant Fragrance
Mongo the Construction Spider
I had yet another adventure with Mongo the Construction Spider the other day (actually two of them – one being at Gene’s house and trying to make it out the damned door and he had enlisted the employ of a spider who attempted to subdue me in it’s web on the way down the stairs and almost succeeded…). I was lying in bed reading (I do that) and realized that I felt something on my leg. A bit of a tickle, nothing more. So… I pulled back the sheet (I do that as well) to see what might, per chance, be tickling my leg. I look down and there on my leg appears to be my arch nemesis – Mongo the Construction Spider. I nearly shit myself. I don’t MIND spiders, really, just as long as they stay the fuck out of the house and, more importantly, OFF OF *ME*. I don’t DO WELL with spiders on me – and that, my friends, is an unbelievable understatement.
Well… I FREEEEEEEEEEAKED out (I didn’t scream like a little girl, no… Actually I DID make a bit of an “EEEEEP” sound as I think I was physically incapable of anything more at that point, being in the midst of complete and total cardiac arrest at the moment) and started smacking, smashing, KILLING, KILL IT!, KILL IT!, EEEEP!, DIE MOTHERFUCKER DIE!, doing the Arachnoid variation on Riverdance in my bed and looking like a complete psychopath who had just been pushed *completely* over the edge. Mongo, in dramatic fashion, fell off of my leg (imagine Tangerine Dream or Kraftwerk music here whilst in slow motion) and onto the bed. Well… I *HAD* to get a closer look at the product of my murderous rage (at the same time trying to get my blood pressure down below 1,200/692 and figure out how to get the bedroom back in one piece considering it’s total annihation during my Honorable Combat with Mongo-San). Funny… It doesn’t *look* like a spider… Well… Perhaps, given that I am SOOOOO strong and brave, I have obliterated my enemy so far as to make him unrecognizable… I blinked just to make sure you know… Because it was looking LESS and LESS like a spider at that particular moment (I could not give in to the idea just yet that I was a complete fucking moron – more on that in a minute). I got a pen (I have one by my bed just in case I need to make a shopping list in my sleep – I’ve done that before… don’t ask…) and I poke it. Nothing. Poke it again. Still nothing. I get a MUCH closer look now that I have ensured, entirely, that it is dead.
It appears that I have done the UNTHINKABLE. I have just murdered a sock fuzzy. A fucking SOCK FUZZY. Dear god… What a fucking moron… I am truly impressed with my having gone Berserker on my room at this point and find myself looking around to make sure no one is looking (why do we do this when we know damned well no one was watching – are we suddenly trapped in a bad Big Brother episode?) and decided I needed to go and have a cigarette…
Cigarette in hand… I run into a spider’s web. Mongo’s revenge. I just know it. I put the fucking cigarette out, vogue my way back through the web and back into the house. Time for bed and perhaps to up my dosage…
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